1985 Oldsmobile Cutlass Ciera Brougham: The Oppo Review

"GeorgeyBoy" (georgeyboy)
08/04/2014 at 11:38 • Filed to: opporeview

It's so GM it hurts.

(From "Fargo")

( Full disclosure: Oldsmobile wanted me to drive this Cutlass Ciera so bad that they made this very white people commercial.

You see this commercial was so good that my grandma loved it and bought one similar. She kept it till the day she died, leaving me my technical first car. Oldsmobile then ran out of business. )

So what is the Cutlass Ciera? I'm not really sure, nothing in the 80's seems to make sense. You see this is basically a little more luxurious Chevrolet Celebrity, and pretty much a Buick Century, and I guess a little less sporty Pontiac 6000. What I'm saying is GM made 4 of the pretty much same cars, because I guess that made sense. Anyway compared to the Japan and Euro imports they were mediocre. Compared to Chrysler K-cars and the Ford Tempo, the A-body siblings were not bad. Tell me the last time you've seen a Tempo on a road compared to the fwd A-bodies. The only thing GM got"right" in this era was some of their drivetrains. The 3.8 was a near bullet proof engine in these cars, the Iron Duke as well. We won't talk about the diesel.

Exterior: 5/10

(Photo cred me)

I would have to say it's a pretty handsome design compared to everything else at the time. The sharp rear window gives it a neat silhouette. The 85 had my favorite grille from it's 10+year long run. You can't forget that hood ornament. Chrome wire hubcaps, so sexy.

Interior 5/10

(photo cred me)

Shag everywhere! The doors are carpeted. Seats are comfier than a couch. The carpet is something I want to sleep on. There is lots of big ashtrays. The 80's were sweet. The top of the dash is nice and flat and in easy snorting range.

Acceleration: -2/10

The Iron Duke. If you aren't aware, this is GM's practically bullet proof 4 cylinder that I have the displeasure of experiencing. Yeah it has torque, but it falls flat on it's face once it gets going. Oh, and pair that to a 3 speed automatic which makes an already anemic motor go on hospice.

What does 90hp feel like? Dangerous. The gaps that you're used to pulling out in? You need to triple them when you drive this. Merging on to a highway? It better be a long on ramp, there are some ramps I refuse to take because they are just too short for it. It teaches patience and that speed doesn't really kill, zero speed actually does. Every once in a while going from my V8 dd to this, I'll pull out into traffic only to remember what I'm driving followed by honking.

Braking: 1/10

What braking? Just like accelerating into traffic I have to keep triple the distance behind everyone than what I normally do. The first few inches of travel are mush. Once you get to the middle of travel, weight violently shifts; suddenly sky starts to appear in your rear view mirror. Panic braking will quickly smoke those tiny rotors in the front followed by lockup of one or more of the rear wheels which causes the back to swing about which ever way physics is feeling that day.

Ride: 7/10

It's really like floating on a cloud. It wallows and swings. You get this giddy feeling in your stomach like your'e on an amusement ride. It's that sense of controlled uncontrollable about it that can make you smile sometimes.

Handling: 0/10

That cloud like ride has a payoff, and that is the dangerous handling. Here's a senerio I encountered: Coming back from Belle Tire one day with a fresh alingment and roatation. I was enjoying my cloud floating doing the 45mph speed limit, which took me aprx. 50 sec to get to. Suddenly a wheel, yes a freaking wheel, is barreling right at me. I mash the brakes, rear end lifts up. Frantically turn left, car plows heavilly on the right wheel. Rotation ensues from the unloaded rear since I braked earlier. Shit I'm going to lose it, turn hard right. Car violently transfers weight, I'm hanging onto the wheel. The seats they do nothing! Left again, right again, left again, straight, finally! What would've been a simple manuever was one that scared the living shit out of me. Looked in my rear view mirror there was an Escort in the opposing direction on the curb missing her wheel..

Gearbox: 0/10

(Google)

It "shifts gears". I mean there's only 3 gears, how can it not know what gear you need to be in? Well it will never know. It's not like any gears are really useful anyway. You need to downshift, nah not today buddy. Don't need to downshift? Well it's happening I can't stop it! *Jerk *

Toys: 2/10

It came with an Am/Fm radio and cassette. It also came with a complimentary Oldsmobile cassette which had this fine song on it. Enjoy.

Audio: 0/10

This is one of the noisiest engines I've ever heard. It's not a good noise either, you can hear every valve open and close, every lifter move, fuel spray into the top of the throttle body. It's a terrible symphony of buzz. It's the voice of your older chain smoker aunt talking so close to you it vibrates your chest.

Value: 8/10

Rest in peace to my grandma and grandpa, they were amazing people and I wouldn't be where I'm at today without them. The Cutlass was something they always wanted me to have so I still have it. My dad keeps it and drives it occasionally since I don't have the room. Insurance is next to nothing even in Michigan. It's needed just basic maintenance since it's been around me. I would say it's a great value and I'm very thankful for it.

26/100

Engine : 2.5-liter TBI I4

Power : 92 HP /135 lb-ft

Transmission : 3 speed automatic

0-60 Time : 16 seconds (estimated)

Ľ Mile : 20.5 sec @ 67 mph

Drivetrain : Front-wheel drive

Seating : 6 people

DISCUSSION (32)

dinobot666 > GeorgeyBoy
08/04/2014 at 11:45

This review is so great it hurts. *golf claps*

TwinCharged - Is Now UK Opponaut > GeorgeyBoy
08/04/2014 at 11:49

Problem is, RCR made me want one if its sisters...

Logansteno: Bought a VW? > GeorgeyBoy
08/04/2014 at 11:50

That symphony of buzz coming from the engine happens in my Safari as well. I kinda like being able to hear everything.

shop-teacher > GeorgeyBoy
08/04/2014 at 11:52

Sounds about right to me.

Alex B > GeorgeyBoy
08/04/2014 at 11:59

Great review. Sorry to hear you have to drive such a car. :P

GeorgeyBoy > Alex B
08/04/2014 at 12:03

It's an extra car so I try my best not to have to drive it.

Alex B > GeorgeyBoy
08/04/2014 at 12:04

Oh ok. What's your normal dd?

GeorgeyBoy > Alex B
08/04/2014 at 12:07

Alex B > GeorgeyBoy
08/04/2014 at 12:08

Nice. V8?

GeorgeyBoy > Alex B
08/04/2014 at 12:11

Yes

Your boy, BJR > GeorgeyBoy
08/04/2014 at 12:14

Kinja'd!!!

GOT DEM SWANGAS DOE

Your boy, BJR > Alex B
08/04/2014 at 12:19

Previously owned by Jon Voight. Ask Georgey about it.

Alex B > GeorgeyBoy
08/04/2014 at 12:23

I should've known, because you mentioned a V8 in the review.

Jedidiah > GeorgeyBoy
08/04/2014 at 15:22

The 80s were a period of misery for GM.

The same lack of power evident in the malaise era, but with smaller/weaker frames and engines laded in heaps of plastic and boredom.

At least in a malaise car, you could chop the exhaust off and advance the timing and enjoy at least some power from the larger motors. Can't do that with an iron duke or the n/a 3.8.

IMHO, I think the 80s produced some of the most dreadul cars compared to nearly all other eras

GeorgeyBoy > Jedidiah
08/04/2014 at 16:11

Well put. I actually like the malaise era. There was still style. 80's were terrible, I feel bad for anyone that hasn't experienced a car from this period. We've come a long way.

Jedidiah > GeorgeyBoy
08/04/2014 at 16:18

I like the malaise era cars too.

You get a strong frame and a good engine block that you can build up later and they don't cost alot too.

Those safety bumpers actually make a hell of a difference.

A newer Dodge rear ended my sister and these are the results. Cutlass : Bumper had to be realigned. Dodge: Totaled.

GeorgeyBoy > Jedidiah
08/04/2014 at 16:25

Wow, that's a sexy Cutlass.

Jedidiah > GeorgeyBoy
08/04/2014 at 16:39

My sister got real lucky with that car, I was super jealous at first because she didn't have to do anything to it, while I had to completely restore mine. She paid $5200 for it. 66k original miles and garage kept.

It is a special dealership promo car. Every Olds dealer on the east coast got just one for 75. So, it has the 350 instead of the fragile 307 or 403, factory dual exhaust, and special interior/exterior trim.

RamblinRover Luxury-Yacht > GeorgeyBoy
08/04/2014 at 18:04

Panic braking will quickly smoke those tiny rotors in the front

Well, it's a good thing the disc brake conversion for a four-lug Mustang doesn't use Celebrity brake parts. Er, shit.

GeorgeyBoy > RamblinRover Luxury-Yacht
08/04/2014 at 18:09

They might be different these things are pretty small.

RamblinRover Luxury-Yacht > GeorgeyBoy
08/04/2014 at 18:11

Well, IIRC there *are* two lug and brake sizes for that gen A-body, 5x100 and 5x114. The calipers in question I think are for the larger size. Probably.

someassemblyrequired > GeorgeyBoy
08/05/2014 at 01:44

The extra 20HP of the 2.8 V6 and the 4 speed O/D made all the difference in the world. Oh wait, no it didn't. But at least the engine noises weren't so painful.

The interior in those things was so sweet. I want my living room couches made out of whatever kind of space age velour Oldsmobile imported from the future.

GeorgeyBoy > someassemblyrequired
08/05/2014 at 01:57

4 speed, I envy you.

Interior is the epitome of cozy. Oldsmobile should of really taken on the couch business after they went defunct.

Kevin Rhodes > GeorgeyBoy
08/05/2014 at 16:09

I still have that cassette tape somewhere!

My Grandfather bought himself an '85 Oldsmobile Ninety-Eight Regency Brougham in '84 when they first came out as a retirement present. Traded in an '80 Subaru DL hatch. Black on lipstick red leather, with every option but a moonroof. It was a truly horrible car, never ran right from day 1. I lived with them at the time, it was my primary ride for my senior year of high school in '86/87. He actually hated the car, and continued to drive his Suburban most of the time. My Grandmother still worked and had a fairly long commute, so she drove their Subaru, which was eventually handed down to me and she drove the Oldsmobarge until she stopped driving about 10 years later. Went to a cousin with only ~60K on it. Still never ran quite right. With the 3.8/4sd slusher it was slow, but still faster than it had brakes or handling. That turd cost $22K late summer of 1984!

GeorgeyBoy > Kevin Rhodes
08/05/2014 at 16:29

The first year for the C platform! That was really a barge. They got everything sorted out by the 90's and that thing ended up being a tank. I remember sitting in a late eighties one, there was so much room.

Josh McCullough > GeorgeyBoy
08/05/2014 at 17:21

I drove one of these for awhile. Mom loaner. It was OK. Well, GM OK. I liked the sound it made firing it up. I don't remember it being that slow or the 'handling' that bad. This is a total grandma car, dude. As long as you drive it like a commuter car you shouldn't have a problem.

FlimFlamMan > GeorgeyBoy
08/06/2014 at 21:24

"That cloud like ride has a payoff, and that is the dangerous handling."

I can understand why you avoid driving it.

Fed(oo=[][]=oo)uken > GeorgeyBoy
09/25/2014 at 16:21

All of this is more than made up for in that sweet horizontal tach. I can smell the cig smoke leaching velour from here.

GeorgeyBoy > Fed(oo=[][]=oo)uken
09/25/2014 at 16:22

Smells like a pack of Marlboros from factory.

Fed(oo=[][]=oo)uken > GeorgeyBoy
09/25/2014 at 16:32

Check in the trunk, on the left hand side, there should be a slot for one of these bad boys, right next to the jack and tire iron.

Kinja'd!!!

Cimarron Toast Crunch > GeorgeyBoy
09/26/2014 at 03:36

My dad had 1988 buick century. It had the best air conditioner ever and the ride felt like an airplane about to take off. It was also strangely reliable an good on gas for an 80s american car he kept it for quite a while

Gus P > GeorgeyBoy
08/30/2020 at 23:39

Thanks for posting this. My dad bought a new ‘85 in LS trim with the phenomenal iron duke. This review is spot on.